I’m dying to know but I’ll have to wait

14 Aug

On the test today, the tech saw something. So of course, I pressed and they aren’t allowed to tell me what they saw. Only the doctor will tell me and she said he would talk to me about this. I see him on the 21st.

But I asked the question, “But do you see something that could be the reason for all this?” The answer was “For sure.”

Part of me would be very happy to finally find an answer that suddenly makes all the pieces fit. And part of me would be scared because there might be difficult decisions to make in how this problem might be solved. Could we go the least risk, or do we not have a choice? The range goes from serious medication to serious surgery, which can kill you because it is risky but I might not have a choice. I’ve read different things and I would need details to know how difficult this would be to solve in my case. I do know, that if you don’t treat it, it can kill you at a moment’s notice. So I doubt that doing nothing, would be an option. And I do know I brought this up from the beginning, even in the hospital and they didn’t do this test.

I thought we had ruled this out months ago when I went for an outside test but I find out today, that the previous test for a different reason, we had never looked for this.

I’m dying to know because I physically feel the problem and I think I’ll be surprised if they don’t tell me what I suspected from the beginning. When I logically thought about what could cause a problem like for this to suddenly appear out of nowhere, this was the first thing that came to mind and it means the problem didn’t start with the heart.  I just don’t understand why what I am thinking wasn’t ruled out on the previous test.

If it is what I’m thinking, I actually knew someone in their 20’s who had this problem.

I need to mentally check out of the situation because the bottom line is that until they talk to me and until all the tests are done, I don’t know if we’ve found the answer and I don’t know how concerned I would need to be over what we have to do. Bottom line – I can’t make a conclusion right now and I can’t worry about what I don’t know right now. We know what the problems are. We know this came on suddenly. And we know we have to treat this.

What we do know at this point – this problem was not caused by diet, exercise or lifestyle. I did everything right. My blood work is perfect. No problems with Grave’s Disease, no problems with sugar or cholesterol. Those results were interpreted to me. When it comes to things like diet my life has been about “everything in moderation.”

I don’t run from problems. I address them and that has made me substantially stronger than many people in my lifetime. Knowledge is power and I’m looking forward to finding answers. Right now we don’t have enough of them but they may be coming soon.

In the back of my mind, I am holding out hope that by addressing the problem successfully, we could reverse some things. Maybe that’s too much to wish for, I don’t know yet. I’m not ruling that out yet.

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